i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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