me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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