sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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