He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
