You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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