i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
