this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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