she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
