you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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