You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
