if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
