you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
