My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
