I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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