And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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