I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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