In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
