Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
