I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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