I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
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you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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