That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
