So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
