My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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