If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i think i just lost a toe
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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