he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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