Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize