just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
