After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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