I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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