I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
