I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
