Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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