I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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