When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
