One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
only you would photoshop your dick
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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