So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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