if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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