We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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