You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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