my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
