nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
