Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
