And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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