Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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