I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize