No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
