I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
