there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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