even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
