i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
