Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They took my balls.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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