My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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